chasing pavements that lead no where. and Adele song, and my life. Usually.

I am going through this awkward stage in life that I like to call "everyone coming home from their missions". 

While I love my guy friends that have arrived home and I have enjoyed seeing them there for a few-you get to that point sitting there in the living room , listening to them-and without knowing it, realizing how much you don't have in common with them anymore. 

Not only how much you don't have in common with them anymore-but that you probably won't ever again. It's pretty sad really. You've known these people essentially your whole adolescent lives. Experienced life's dramas with them. The public break ups of so and so, that one time what's his name got yelled at in English class...and so on. 

These people that you have all of this history with suddenly become just that. History. The un-relatable, cute but awkward guy friends you once were so close to that now only know the person you were two years ago, and not the person you are today. 

Of course there are some cases where this isn't so. I can count on a couple fingers some of these young men that have come home that I talk to daily, hang out with on a regular basis, and actually miss them when i don't see them for a few. 

The majority however, not the case.

Last night I realized that insecurities and jealousy are very prominent in my life at this time. A good friend of mine going through some pretty rough stuff sat and related to me on this last night and reminded me that we are not alone in this, and we never will be. Someone, somewhere will always feel this way at some point in their lives, and that's okay.  

The feelings of inadequacy, self doubt, loneliness and sometimes just downright depression creep over this time in our lives like a little rain cloud over a blue sky. 

So how do we deal, you ask? How do we snap ourselves out of this? How do we get through the day to day while everyone around you dates, finds themselves, and lives these seemingly perfect lives whilst you have a dark cloud ruining your pretty blue sky? 

 "tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther ...and So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."- The Great Gatsby

I told a good friend last night my feelings. "I spent the night back in high school" I said to him. 

His response? "Well why the heck did you do that? You graduated, you're done with that girl! Why would you go back?"

Fact. 

The person I am today is not who I was two years ago. I have grown into who I am today for a reason, and i'll continue to grow into who I am daily. Why would I go back? 

I wouldn't. And I am not going to. 

"Would it be a waste, even if I knew my pace? Should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads no where?"

Well, absolutely not Adele. I would not. 

Be the person you worked so hard to be today, because that person has a lot more polishing, and a lot more to them than who they were even yesterday. 

Be proud of that. It took me all evening to figure out that I was. 

Happy Wednesday everyone.  

Swimming against the current...for fun?

So I told myself that the next time i'd blog would be when I finally got my whole apartment all decorated and put together. 

Well, embarrassingly enough-we still don't have a washer or dryer, or a dresser for our room, so our clothes (okay mine) are all over the floor. 

I feel like this is quite symbolic of my life, which is what leads me to this post. 

These past couple of days I feel like I've kind of been having a mid life crisis at 21. I sat at a missionary farewell surrounded by engaged couples, future missionaries, and returned missionaries with big plans for school-and then there was me. 

"How much school do you have left?" "What are you going into?" "Do you know what you want to do with it?"....

My answer to all of those questions was similar to the way my room looks right now. 

A mess. 

Here I am at the age of 21 with some school under my belt, two jobs, sans boyfriend, and a plan for the next two days- let alone 2 years. 

Between the stampede of engagement, mission and graduation announcements--how could you not feel super awesome that you're a single, workaholic with a measly savings account and a closet full of way too many clothes that will forever require new organization systems to cease chaos. 

A lot of me feels really stuck. I am sure most of you can relate to this feeling. Not only do I feel stuck, but I feel behind. 

You know those fancy tide pools they have at some swimming pools that have a simulated current that pushes you around in a circle in one of the corners of the main pool? Well, there's always that one little kid that thinks it's cool to try and walk against the current, bumping into everyone on his way and truly just burdening everyone else's fun having? 

Yeah. I'm that little kid in this stage of current of life. 

I feel like everyone is pushing past me, around me, and under me while i'm walking the other way trying to figure out why i'm the only one seeming to have a hard time figuring out how to swim with everyone else. 

It then hit me.

Why the heck do I want to swim with everyone else? Some go way to fast, some don't like to dive, and some just like to tread water way too long and cautiously for my liking. I realized that I can swim at my own pace-for as long or as short as I want, and, if I want to-I can even take a break, and finish my swim later. 

Or...I can go play in the water park part of the pool for a little while. :)

I feel like a lot of people get to points in their lives where they're constantly trying to get to the next step-that the actual enjoying part of life takes too much time or something. 

It took me a while-but I realized that I don't want to be one of those people. Ever.  

Some of my life hero's didn't really truly figure their lives out till later in life anyway. My mom. My Grandma. 

There's beauty in the struggle they say-and do you know what? I am finding it. 

I am realizing that struggling through school like I have these past couple of years has in a round about way helped me realize that maybe a 4 year degree isn't for me-and that there are other ways in life I can be successful.

Okay-so no, i'm not just gonna stay serving until i'm a super server at the age of 30 something-but I have realized that my path does not have to be that of other's. I have come to terms with the fact that just because my friends are doing it, or everyone else is swimming with the current-I can be just fine with being that little kid who tries to go the other way. 

Sure, maybe it's a little unorthodox, and sure maybe it's kind of annoying to everyone else around, but guess what? Does that little kid ever look like he isn't having the time of his life? 

I'll give you the answer. No way.

I know you probably all think i'm just gonna run away to Europe or something and live in a Hostile. Well, while that is on the agenda for a month or so-i'm also going to graduate with an Associates degree and get my personal training license.

I realized that with what I want to do in life-a 4 year degree isn't necessary, and that's okay. Some people just want to be mother's, and that's okay, too. Heck, some people live their lives entirely flying by the seat of their pants-and guess what? I bet they have a ton of fun doing it. 

Here's to a summer full of adventures-and to a whole  life ahead of me that I don't have to decide what i'm doing with yet. :)

When life gives you lemons-save a couple for later :)

Happy Wednesday. 

Short, but sweet. More to come!

These past weeks have gone by in a whirl wind. 

I can't believe that the time to move out, and start a glorious summer has begun. I can't even wait for all of the changes that are going to take place! 

This last week we all moved into our new apartment at Legacy Village up in Logan! I can't wait to live with these girls and with some great ones right upstairs from me! 

Let's be real honest-I can't wait to decorate this baby. :)

Pictures to come!

A little update on me-

I'm still working Great Harvest and Gia's. Busy busy busy I am. I can't complain at all. Quite honestly, I feel so blessed. Hopefully by fall I will have enough saved up and that may just eliminate a bit of stress. 

I am so thrilled to be up in Logan for the summer! A bucket list has been written, plans to road trip have been set in stone, and some personal goals have been set! I can't wait for what lies ahead! 

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Shout out to my girl Toni G for accomplishing a major goal today and graduating from college! She is such an example and I look up to her so much! 

More later-with pictures of the new place to boot! 

Breathe everyone-finals are over and Summer is here. :)

By the way-Jude Law is gorgeous.