Unconditional Love.

My mind may explode I feel. 

Lately, (well, as in these past like 4 days) i've been having major anxiety about this whole "finding your Eternal companion" thing. If you've been around me lately, then you know how much it's really bothering me. 

Big whoop though, right? Everyone is going through it, everyone hates it, and everyone could for sure sit here just like I am and complain about it. 

I had a minor melt down the other night that surfaced with all of this crap. I had the most amazing friend hold me while I sobbed on his shoulder and poured wisdom into my soul. I love him. 

Anyway, so much that was said made me think-and one thing in particular really stuck out in my mind. 

When you love with condition, you will always be disappointed.

I never realized how much I do this. "I like him because he likes me." "I'll go with her because she really wants me to." "I did all of these nice things for her and she didn't even appreciate it."

Once I started realizing all of this, it seemed like I live my whole life on conditions. 

It's so very true that when you love only with condition that you will forever be disappointed with everyone you come in contact with. What hurts even worse is when you feel like you are loving unconditionally, and then that person leaves you. 

Paralyzing is the only word I can think to describe it. 

However, the only reason it hurts if you think about it, is because you in your head think "well, now they aren't going to love me anymore". 

That's where the problem is. 

That's the only part that really hurts if you think about it. Why would it matter if they stopped loving you? Isn't that just you being selfish? 

Yes, actually. Very. 

I look at the heartbreaks-well, heartbreak-i've had in my life and could have only thought about how wronged I was. Poor picked on Jess. How could he have done that to me? Didn't he know how much I loved him? 

But, guess what? That part doesn't matter. What should have mattered was the fact that I had allowed myself to be so hurt because my selfishness came through and got me to realize that I was only sad because he wasn't going to be feeling the same way anymore.

I mean, i'm not saying it's totally wrong to feel this way. It's very human and all of us do it.
I think if we all realized the effect it has on us though, we would really recognize how disheartening it is.

To love with condition is really to live without love.

We all know what happens with that, right? Hello Voldemort.

Anyway, it was very enlightening.

On another note-I got to see my boys play in my front yard on Saturday! It was a perfect day and I  had so much fun! Also, it's my birthday this weekend and Mom and Paul will be joining us!

Love it!!

I'll let you know how it goes!