Brave.

For those of you who know of a trilogy called "Divergent", congratulations. For those of you who don't-go buy it and read it right now. 
I'm serious.
It will change your life. 

In a brief synopsis of these beautiful books, you're heart will be torn into 5 "factions". 
Knowledge, Truth, Peace, Selflessness, and Bravery. 

Bravery is on my mind, and in my heart for many reasons. 

I am left with this quote written in my heart, lastingly. 

"There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down

 your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving

 up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.

But sometimes it doesn't. 

Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through the pain, and the work of every day. The slow walk toward a better life."

-Tobias Eaton, Allegiant

Recently, a couple of very good friends of mine has been faced with some hefty trials. They have been given 

many situations daily where the act of selflessness, peace, truth, and knowledge await them at 

every decision. Every moment can bring them something they don't want to hear. Every breath 

could bring them knowledge of something they can not bear. Every instant challenges them with the selflessness to serve and to have peace.

Something that these individuals may not see in themselves is that they conque all of these things one way, and one way alone.

Bravely. 

I know that we have all had experiences in our lives that have left us with the decision to act in Bravery. Sometimes this is just in waking up to tomorrow to face what the day has in store for you. 

The beautiful part of all of this is that with one another, so much becomes possible, and evermore, with the Lord-all becomes possible.

"Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can't escape that damage.
But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other."

-Tobias Eaton, Allegiant

I have learned so many times over, and continue to every day, that through each other and our Heavenly Father-we can be healed, and we can do hard things. 
That doesn't mean it will be easy, but it does mean that one day it will be.
Our Savior died for us to give us the chance to remember his bravery every day. 

I want these friends to know that I remember not long ago they themselves sitting right beside me ready to fight for my happiness. I can still feel their comforting hands on my back succoring me, and remember their loving words engulfing me with hope and peace. 
I want them to know how much they are loved. How much they are watched over, and how proud I am of them every day as I watch them faces what they do. 

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.”

-Jeffery R. Holland

Oh, and remember. 

Be Brave.

My starting lineup.

As most of you know-I grew up playing softball. 

I ate, drank, slept, and breathed that game. It was my passion. It was what drove me.

I worked really hard for many years to become the best player I could be. I spent hours at the batting cages, days in the dirt with my mitt, and summers in the hot hot sun running miles around the fields so I could build my endurance for summer ball games. Then high school came-I played catch till I couldn't feel my shoulder, and batted until my thumbs had blisters the size of quarters on them. I put on a uniform a couple of times a week to put on a show for the audience-to show them how hard I had worked and how good I was.

Senior year hit-and with that came a new coach, new rules, and my butt finding the dugout bench much more than I was used to with a bruised pride and wet cheeks.

 I was so hurt and so discouraged. What about my thousands of hours of practice and my blistered hands? Couldn't coach see how hard I worked and how much I wanted it? 

My team made their way down to St. George during that year to play in a weekend tournament. Tournament time mean't game time, and game time mean't time to show anyone who was watching that I was worthy to make a difference. 

Due to a mix up of rooms, however, I was "stuck" in a room with the underclassmen, and kicked out of my fellow senior "captains" room. I was so bummed and so hurt. How could they just kick me out of their room and stick me with the underclassmen? I didn't have time for this. I was there to win and show everyone else that I could win.

What I least expected was to learn the real reason I was there to play. The sole purpose of my practice, my example, and my hard work. It wasn't for my on base glory, or my catches out in the field. It was something I never focused on before. 

It was my team. 

Silly me. I wasn't here to prove to anyone anything-I was here to learn what it felt like to have a team back me up and team love and support me, no matter what position I played on the field. 

The season went and ended, and needless to say I spent a lot of time on the bench and a lot of time with wet cheeks-but want to know what I remember most? Dinner after the games with my beloved underclassmen. Talking about how screwed up the politics were, how bloated egos were, and most importantly;

 listening to one another build each other up. 

Like a team is supposed to. 

I remembered this feeling again until this summer when I started up a summer league with a group of friends. I began again with the same mindset I had had all growing up.

Practice hard, play hard, win. 

It didn't take long for me to realize that the winning part wasn't gonna happen, and that it was time to determine whether I was gonna be the upper classmen that "got stuck", or if I was going to find the real reason I wanted to play again.

And then I remembered. 

For the team.

In baseball and softball you have what you call a "Starting lineup". These are the players you put out in the field first and longest. The players you keep at the top and bottom of the batting order to finish and end your innings strong, and to win games for you. 

These players are the cream of the crop-and the MVP's all in one. 

In these past few weeks, life has thrown it's curve balls at me once again to ruin my batting average.

 I have had to once again stop and listen. Listen to my team yelling encouragement and patting me on the back even when I struck out. 

I have had my own MVP's step up to the plate and bat my runs in, because I am constantly reminded that you can't win by yourself. 

That no matter how many hours you spend in the dirt fielding grounders, or how many times you run in the sun to prepare for those long games of life-you're still going to need your team to make outs and score runs, too. 

I was taken back this week to high school me. A hard headed rookie ready to take on the world by herself. 

And then I remembered that I don't have to pitch, catch AND play 3rd all at the same time.

I can look back into my dugout and see my starting line up eager and ready to go in wherever I need them, for however long I need them. 

I can see the most important part of the game in one look.

My team. 

Summertime in a nutshell.

So...it's been a few since i've last blogged-which honestly surprises me.

One of my goals for this summer was to keep my thousands (HA) of blog stalkers updated about my fun having. Yet as I look back on it now, I realize that Summer has FLOWN by and I haven't told anyone about any of it!

I suck.

What I do with  most of my time is work. I'm still at Great Harvest and Gia's and work both jobs nearly every day. If i'm not at one-i'm at the other. It has it's perks-I mean money is needed-but if i'm being honest, i'll tell you that i'm totally exhausted with it all.

I'm currently signed up for a part time semester this fall sticking with my original plan to finish my 4 year degree.
Trying to figure out how to pay for school AND housing AND every other expense in my life is enough to give me an ulcer. Everyone is going through it though-so it's just living through life.

This summer despite all  of my working has been really fun. That's why it feels like it's flying by.
That's the old saying anyhow.

Time sure flies when you're having fun.

This is a fact.

This summer has been filled with adventures sans any limits!
We've done Bear Lake trips, rope swings, St George road trips to see Tuachaun, BBQ's, hobo dinners,
crotchet, late night monopoly games and these are just to name a few.

 I have learned more than ever this summer how fantastic my life is. I am surrounded by family and friends that exceed any adjective of joy I can think of.

Here's a few pictures to sum it all up! :)

 4th of July. Notice: homemade overalls.

 First snow cone of the season. There have been many more...

 Bloomington Lake.

 Bear Lake for AJ's birthday!

 Crotchet and Hobo dinners!

 Floating Cutler Dam. Apparently it's Illegal..whoops :)

Mud Volleyball for HE. Too fun.

 Sunday bike ride through campus.

 Beauties

 The Big Pappa's. Don't worry-we have a great record :)

 Drive Inn movie for my girl Tay's birthday.

St George temple trip.

I hope all of your summer's have gone as well as mine. As much as it pains me to say it-i'm kind of excited for fall! :) shhh....

More to come!
Happy Saturday everyone!

FIRE DRILL!!!!...this is not a drill.

So...it's been a while. 

What can I say? Summer has sucked me in with all of it's sunshine, snow cones, and late night projected movies on a building. 

It's treated me well so far.

However, my life wouldn't be my life without the occasional stress meltdown. 

I am currently trying to figure out what this fall holds for me. Also, i'm really trying to make a backpacking trip to Europe happen in the Spring, so that's of course affecting my decisions for the fall.

I'm still plugging away at the good ol' Great Harvest and Gia's and I only want to stab my eyes out like...58% of the time.
On a good week.

Everyone around me is still dropping like flies with the wedding fever, and after the end of this summer,  I will be one of a small handful of girls I graduated with that aren't married. 

Wooohooo.

Why do we allow ourselves to feel like losers about this? I mean, hooray for all of you that ARE married, but what the heck happened to the attitude of enjoying being single?
Since when did we allow the pressures of society get to us?

Oh wait, I forgot. Since always.

I'm over it.
I've decided to enjoy my life. (Well, to try my best anyway..we all have those days)
I'm going to do what I WANT to do, not what I feel like I have to do.

Remember how all growing up when rules would be enforced upon us in school and at home, all we would say was "I can't wait to move out" or "I can't wait till i'm in charge of me".

That time has come. Actually, for my age group, it's been that way for a couple of years now, yet I still find myself in the principles office of life way more often than i'd like.
The craziest thing about it, is that I am the one putting myself there!
All of my "pulled cards" and "time outs at recess" have been because I've subconsciously entered myself back into the world where I have rules to follow and a syllabus to adhere to.

I'm pulling the fire drill on all of it.

When the heck did we start putting time limits on everything?

I have to remind myself this often, though, because I do live in a state and at an age where we are in constant competition with ourselves and ESPECIALLY those around us.

How am I supposed to run a race I haven't trained for? Why would I jump in during the middle of someone else's marathon and try and keep up, then get down on myself because I couldn't match up?

Just like I don't sin like others, I also don't live my life exactly how others do.
Yes, ultimately I am trying to be as close to Christ as I can be, and often in my realm of friends and family, that means living similarly to how they do.
That doesn't mean, however, that I need to graduate when they do, date when they date, or work as much or as little as they work.

I should only have one principal, one rule enforcer, and the only person allowed to tell me when to take a time out, is my Heavenly Father.

-------------------------
On a different note, I feel like I go on and on a lot on here about slightly negative stuff, so I want to just take a minute to reflect positively. Usually this is something you should do in a journal, but that's what I use this for.

I LOVE my friends. I wake up every single day knowing that what is going to get me through work, is that after it, I get to play with my friends.
My grandma and my mother nurse my broken soul and heart back to health on a daily basis. I even had a spiritual talk with my Dad the other day. I know, don't fall of your chairs.
Because of a very loving and selfless man, I don't have to worry about my Mom as much anymore. I know he treats her like a princess. Thank you Paul. That makes my heart feel a little lighter everyday.
I get to play the game that kept me together during some of the hardest days of my life growing up and
I get to do this every Tuesday, with some of my best friends! :)
I have an able body and mind, and for the most part, I work hard to keep it that way.
I have an awesome YSA ward, a great bishopric, and an amazing gospel to go to church to learn about.
I get to enjoy homemade bread, treats, and Italian food nearly every day of my life. (Shhhh...don't tell my hips and love handles that)
Financially, i've been able to take care of myself without any help for almost a year now. That feels good.
My savings account likes me more and more every 2 weeks, and my bills never go unnoticed.

Most importantly though, I know my Heavenly Father knows me. He loves me, and he listens to me.
To have that knowledge is beyond any worldly treasure I could obtain.


Hey guys, life really is good. I promise. :)

chasing pavements that lead no where. and Adele song, and my life. Usually.

I am going through this awkward stage in life that I like to call "everyone coming home from their missions". 

While I love my guy friends that have arrived home and I have enjoyed seeing them there for a few-you get to that point sitting there in the living room , listening to them-and without knowing it, realizing how much you don't have in common with them anymore. 

Not only how much you don't have in common with them anymore-but that you probably won't ever again. It's pretty sad really. You've known these people essentially your whole adolescent lives. Experienced life's dramas with them. The public break ups of so and so, that one time what's his name got yelled at in English class...and so on. 

These people that you have all of this history with suddenly become just that. History. The un-relatable, cute but awkward guy friends you once were so close to that now only know the person you were two years ago, and not the person you are today. 

Of course there are some cases where this isn't so. I can count on a couple fingers some of these young men that have come home that I talk to daily, hang out with on a regular basis, and actually miss them when i don't see them for a few. 

The majority however, not the case.

Last night I realized that insecurities and jealousy are very prominent in my life at this time. A good friend of mine going through some pretty rough stuff sat and related to me on this last night and reminded me that we are not alone in this, and we never will be. Someone, somewhere will always feel this way at some point in their lives, and that's okay.  

The feelings of inadequacy, self doubt, loneliness and sometimes just downright depression creep over this time in our lives like a little rain cloud over a blue sky. 

So how do we deal, you ask? How do we snap ourselves out of this? How do we get through the day to day while everyone around you dates, finds themselves, and lives these seemingly perfect lives whilst you have a dark cloud ruining your pretty blue sky? 

 "tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther ...and So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."- The Great Gatsby

I told a good friend last night my feelings. "I spent the night back in high school" I said to him. 

His response? "Well why the heck did you do that? You graduated, you're done with that girl! Why would you go back?"

Fact. 

The person I am today is not who I was two years ago. I have grown into who I am today for a reason, and i'll continue to grow into who I am daily. Why would I go back? 

I wouldn't. And I am not going to. 

"Would it be a waste, even if I knew my pace? Should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads no where?"

Well, absolutely not Adele. I would not. 

Be the person you worked so hard to be today, because that person has a lot more polishing, and a lot more to them than who they were even yesterday. 

Be proud of that. It took me all evening to figure out that I was. 

Happy Wednesday everyone.  

Swimming against the current...for fun?

So I told myself that the next time i'd blog would be when I finally got my whole apartment all decorated and put together. 

Well, embarrassingly enough-we still don't have a washer or dryer, or a dresser for our room, so our clothes (okay mine) are all over the floor. 

I feel like this is quite symbolic of my life, which is what leads me to this post. 

These past couple of days I feel like I've kind of been having a mid life crisis at 21. I sat at a missionary farewell surrounded by engaged couples, future missionaries, and returned missionaries with big plans for school-and then there was me. 

"How much school do you have left?" "What are you going into?" "Do you know what you want to do with it?"....

My answer to all of those questions was similar to the way my room looks right now. 

A mess. 

Here I am at the age of 21 with some school under my belt, two jobs, sans boyfriend, and a plan for the next two days- let alone 2 years. 

Between the stampede of engagement, mission and graduation announcements--how could you not feel super awesome that you're a single, workaholic with a measly savings account and a closet full of way too many clothes that will forever require new organization systems to cease chaos. 

A lot of me feels really stuck. I am sure most of you can relate to this feeling. Not only do I feel stuck, but I feel behind. 

You know those fancy tide pools they have at some swimming pools that have a simulated current that pushes you around in a circle in one of the corners of the main pool? Well, there's always that one little kid that thinks it's cool to try and walk against the current, bumping into everyone on his way and truly just burdening everyone else's fun having? 

Yeah. I'm that little kid in this stage of current of life. 

I feel like everyone is pushing past me, around me, and under me while i'm walking the other way trying to figure out why i'm the only one seeming to have a hard time figuring out how to swim with everyone else. 

It then hit me.

Why the heck do I want to swim with everyone else? Some go way to fast, some don't like to dive, and some just like to tread water way too long and cautiously for my liking. I realized that I can swim at my own pace-for as long or as short as I want, and, if I want to-I can even take a break, and finish my swim later. 

Or...I can go play in the water park part of the pool for a little while. :)

I feel like a lot of people get to points in their lives where they're constantly trying to get to the next step-that the actual enjoying part of life takes too much time or something. 

It took me a while-but I realized that I don't want to be one of those people. Ever.  

Some of my life hero's didn't really truly figure their lives out till later in life anyway. My mom. My Grandma. 

There's beauty in the struggle they say-and do you know what? I am finding it. 

I am realizing that struggling through school like I have these past couple of years has in a round about way helped me realize that maybe a 4 year degree isn't for me-and that there are other ways in life I can be successful.

Okay-so no, i'm not just gonna stay serving until i'm a super server at the age of 30 something-but I have realized that my path does not have to be that of other's. I have come to terms with the fact that just because my friends are doing it, or everyone else is swimming with the current-I can be just fine with being that little kid who tries to go the other way. 

Sure, maybe it's a little unorthodox, and sure maybe it's kind of annoying to everyone else around, but guess what? Does that little kid ever look like he isn't having the time of his life? 

I'll give you the answer. No way.

I know you probably all think i'm just gonna run away to Europe or something and live in a Hostile. Well, while that is on the agenda for a month or so-i'm also going to graduate with an Associates degree and get my personal training license.

I realized that with what I want to do in life-a 4 year degree isn't necessary, and that's okay. Some people just want to be mother's, and that's okay, too. Heck, some people live their lives entirely flying by the seat of their pants-and guess what? I bet they have a ton of fun doing it. 

Here's to a summer full of adventures-and to a whole  life ahead of me that I don't have to decide what i'm doing with yet. :)

When life gives you lemons-save a couple for later :)

Happy Wednesday. 

Short, but sweet. More to come!

These past weeks have gone by in a whirl wind. 

I can't believe that the time to move out, and start a glorious summer has begun. I can't even wait for all of the changes that are going to take place! 

This last week we all moved into our new apartment at Legacy Village up in Logan! I can't wait to live with these girls and with some great ones right upstairs from me! 

Let's be real honest-I can't wait to decorate this baby. :)

Pictures to come!

A little update on me-

I'm still working Great Harvest and Gia's. Busy busy busy I am. I can't complain at all. Quite honestly, I feel so blessed. Hopefully by fall I will have enough saved up and that may just eliminate a bit of stress. 

I am so thrilled to be up in Logan for the summer! A bucket list has been written, plans to road trip have been set in stone, and some personal goals have been set! I can't wait for what lies ahead! 

--------------

Shout out to my girl Toni G for accomplishing a major goal today and graduating from college! She is such an example and I look up to her so much! 

More later-with pictures of the new place to boot! 

Breathe everyone-finals are over and Summer is here. :)

By the way-Jude Law is gorgeous. 

Unconditional Love.

My mind may explode I feel. 

Lately, (well, as in these past like 4 days) i've been having major anxiety about this whole "finding your Eternal companion" thing. If you've been around me lately, then you know how much it's really bothering me. 

Big whoop though, right? Everyone is going through it, everyone hates it, and everyone could for sure sit here just like I am and complain about it. 

I had a minor melt down the other night that surfaced with all of this crap. I had the most amazing friend hold me while I sobbed on his shoulder and poured wisdom into my soul. I love him. 

Anyway, so much that was said made me think-and one thing in particular really stuck out in my mind. 

When you love with condition, you will always be disappointed.

I never realized how much I do this. "I like him because he likes me." "I'll go with her because she really wants me to." "I did all of these nice things for her and she didn't even appreciate it."

Once I started realizing all of this, it seemed like I live my whole life on conditions. 

It's so very true that when you love only with condition that you will forever be disappointed with everyone you come in contact with. What hurts even worse is when you feel like you are loving unconditionally, and then that person leaves you. 

Paralyzing is the only word I can think to describe it. 

However, the only reason it hurts if you think about it, is because you in your head think "well, now they aren't going to love me anymore". 

That's where the problem is. 

That's the only part that really hurts if you think about it. Why would it matter if they stopped loving you? Isn't that just you being selfish? 

Yes, actually. Very. 

I look at the heartbreaks-well, heartbreak-i've had in my life and could have only thought about how wronged I was. Poor picked on Jess. How could he have done that to me? Didn't he know how much I loved him? 

But, guess what? That part doesn't matter. What should have mattered was the fact that I had allowed myself to be so hurt because my selfishness came through and got me to realize that I was only sad because he wasn't going to be feeling the same way anymore.

I mean, i'm not saying it's totally wrong to feel this way. It's very human and all of us do it.
I think if we all realized the effect it has on us though, we would really recognize how disheartening it is.

To love with condition is really to live without love.

We all know what happens with that, right? Hello Voldemort.

Anyway, it was very enlightening.

On another note-I got to see my boys play in my front yard on Saturday! It was a perfect day and I  had so much fun! Also, it's my birthday this weekend and Mom and Paul will be joining us!

Love it!!

I'll let you know how it goes!

A rare day off.

I just want to start out with saying that it's now almost 11'am and I am not in an apron, i'm not waiting tables, and i'm not even cleaning bathrooms! I am OFF TODAY! Wooohooo! 

Sorry, that doesn't happen often. Just a slight update-I work all the time...annnnd that's about it. Oh, and i've still been trying to train for Ragnar! It's been hard, but good! 

I have a couple of theme's in mind for this blog post. Firstly, I want to broach a nasty review Gia's got the other day. This "review" was about 7 paragraphs long and the first 3 were complaining about completely irrelevant things that could have been fixed if the guest had simply just mentioned that they were unhappy with something and we would have fixed it right off the bat. However, finally we got to the real reason they were complaining about 5 down which is when they went on an on about the %18 gratuity that was charged to their discounted bill. 

This is restaurant policy. We do not do this to try and make someone "feel like a thief" or "to be robbed of tipping on their own". We do this because on a discounted, split, or large party table the bill gets to be really high, and people don't feel like they should reward their server for the service they provided. Don't even get me started on that subject-that's a whole other blog post. 

Secondly, I have a roommate that flat out does not talk to two of us that live here. She leaves her stuff out, doesn't clean up after herself, and just basically lives as if she's the only one here. Tired of picking up after her, I simply left a note asking her nicely to just please put her dirty dishes in the (now empty) dishwasher, and throw her wrappers away. Apparently that was an extreme task because she responded with stomping, slamming, and grumping around the apartment for the weekend. 

I want to introduce both of these situations to one word: communication. 

Okay, so maybe i'm a huge communicator, and if something is bothering me, or making me happy-people are going to know about it! I pride myself of voicing my opinion to whomever I feel like I need to, and i've really been working on doing it more softly. However, when people just expect things to be done the way they want them to be without communicating them-chances are they're probably not going to happen! 

We all know what happens when we assume, right? 

Here's the other thing though, why is it so hard to give positive feedback? The only time you hear any type is when it's negative. It's just like how the world views people. "They're weird , "They are so annoying when they do this".... 

What ever happened to not judging a book by it's cover? Don't get me wrong, i'm just as guilty with this as the next guy. I am a human-we judge. However I bet it takes just as much effort to judge harshly than to try and get to know the good things about people, no matter how annoying they are. 

"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we previce the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. -Anthony Robbins

Anyway, that's my rant for the week. Here's to hoping it's your day off as well and you're enjoying it!

Friday Funday....wait?

So it's a little long over due for a blog update. 

Seriously, I didn't know not going to school could be so time consuming. After a temporary, yet hideous placement at ICON fitness Customer Service (yes, a call center) and a really cheap heap of exercise clothing later, I have fortunately landed a job at Great Harvest! :) 

I'm double carb'n it. 

Gia's ITALIAN restaurant and Great Harvest BREAD COMPANY.

 Ugg, just kill me now. I mean don't though, cause it's secretly awesome. 

I've also started running. For those of you who know me realize this is a slightly large deal. I used to loathe running. I did track Sophomore year of high school, and after that I vowed to never do it again. However, living a fairly high active  lifestyle my whole life-I thought-why not? 

I am in love. A friend from work has talked me into running a Ragnar this June with her and a group. Sure, I may be doing the beginner's legs, but hey, that's a BIG deal for me. I've also found a new gym buddy and running partner in Miss Taylor, so it's been a prime situation. 

We're also looking for a cute little house to live in for the summer and next school year. We're over the apartment situation, and are ready to make a little house our home. Not to mention, i'm stoked to decorate the crap out of it. :)

I really like being busy with my two jobs, running and you know, general adulthood, but I really miss being  able to see my family and friends back home. Facebook just doesn't cut me updating myself on their lives. 

Honestly, that's my update. Preeeettty cool.

As I sit here, laying in bed on a Friday night with the computer in front of my face, I realize how cool I truly am :) 

Happy Weekend everyone! :)

A blissful Monday eve.

I'm currently sitting in my room looking out my snowy window with some beautiful hymns as my background music.

 It occurred my how lovely life really can be today. We all have days where the world feels as if it may be ending. Heck, sometimes the world really is. 

However, there are those days where peace creeps in instead of chaos. Gratitude replaces grief, joy replaces jealousy, and love really does conquer all. 

Maybe it's the beautiful music, the cozy Snowy Sunday,  my morning beginning with worship,

or maybe, just maybe-i'm happy. 

Happy. 

Everyone's college experience is full of life lessons, life turmoil, and life happiness. These past few months have been just that.  Confusing, long, and dare say-dreaded. Some days have been unbearable, whilst others have been joyous, full of smiles and serenity. 

It's nice to just have a quiet, peaceful day to reflect on oneself. Today has been that day for me. 

To be honest, they have come more and more, and I think that they are supposed to be coming as often as they have been. 

 I think finally (it may be a stretch) but maybe finally, I am happy in my life. 

Yes, there's the day to day grumble, but honestly, it's never been  enough to override the New Years resolution i've made. 

L.O.V.E has crept it. Right under my nose. :) 

I wish you all a happy Sunday, and I hope to try and continue this attitude to everyone's (including mine) least favorite day of the week. 

I'm going to fill  mine with LOVE, I think. :)

A list.

Things I have decided during my first week off from school: 

1. I am OBSESSED with the nieniedialoues written by Stephanie Nielsen. I also read her book "Heaven is Here" and I fell in love and finished it within 3 days. 

2. Leo from the 90's hit show "Charmed" about three witches is fiiiiiine.

3. I am in love with Les Mis. But, I knew that the moment I was introduced.

4. Diet Dr. Pepper and Kettle Corn are my two main food groups. 

5. "Supernatural" has left me going to be with nightmares for the past week. It's a nightmare, literally. But I love it. 

6. I really enjoy cooking! Not to mention; i'm pretty dang good at it. Let me clarify-healthy cooking. Only because healthier cooking usually requires much less ingredients, and usually just involves steaming veggies, then blending them into a soup. HA. Regradless, I love it. 

7. I really am probably going to freeze up here. Seriously, like the warmest it's been all week is like 11 degrees.       

8. I am loving that my heat works over time on days like today. It is like 1 degree out there in that frozen nightmare. 

9. I really love my family. They are just so great and are all doing so well.

10. Taking time off of school doesn't mean i'm not progressing and learning everyday anyway. I love that I am finally starting to realize that.

Here's to fat bank accounts, lots of crafting, yummy healthy dinners, and trying not to re-kill my knee by gettin' my sweat on.

Ahhh, the productiveness that occurs by being seemingly unproductive. 

Who's foolin' who? 

Prologue.

I have to thank The Lumineers today for reminding me to keep my head up.

It's been a rough, and stressful couple of days. I made grades last semester to keep everything homeostasis in the Academics department, but found out just a few days ago-which is also just a few days before my financial aid was supposed to come through to pay my tuition- that indeed financial aid was NOT paying for it. They pulled back all of my money and informed me the weekend before the first day of Spring semester that I would be all on my own in paying for tuition this semester.

All I could think of was "wow, not again." I thought I was done with all of this crap? I thought I had everything under control! The stress was supposed to be gone!!

 How the heck was I supposed to come up with the better part of 2 grand by Monday, along with all of my other bills? Not to mention affording to feed myself.

Needless to say--I was pretty defeated.

 After a lot of advice from friends, family, and some serious reflecting; I've decided to take the semester off to work my butt off and save money.

This whole decision making thing keeps coming up in my life. And do you know what? I'm pretty much over it. 

This whole grown up thing?? Yeah. I'm quitting. 

The most frustrating thing is that I worked so hard this semester academically to make sure I had no problem going back this semester, and didn't even think about having any sort of problem anywhere else. 

As I took yesterday to fast a reflect, we had a super neat lesson in Sunday School about Knowledge. 

Maybe you're thinking; How perfect! This must have been such a help! 

Well, no. It wasn't. Actually, I left even more confused and torn about what I should do in regards to finances and school. However, there was one thing in it that stuck out most:

Progression of Knowledge does not just mean attending school. You need all sorts of progression to shape your every category of life. 

It's been so hard to swallow the fact that I am not able to do something I want to do. Since I can remember, I always was able to make things work. If I wanted it-I worked to get it. That's just how it was. 

However, I should have known that with all of the life lessons the Lord has been throwing at me this past year, that He has many more in store for me, and forcing a situation not written for me is going against His plan. 

Talk about Humble Pie. 

Geez, am I sick of the taste of that stuff. 

Anyway, I was having a hard core pity party today about all of it-when I turned on good ol' Spotify to the band the Lumineers. 

Slow it down, ... come back to bed
Rest your arms, and rest your legs
Don’t you frown when you’re feelin like that
Only love can dig you out of this

That's when it hit me. This is my time to do just that. Save my money and work hard of course, but to take this time to get to know my knew self. 

My self with L.O.V.E-in every category.

~~~

It's time too open a chapter of my life that I didn't write. 

And do you know what? I like to read stories i've never read before. 

Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year!!

With the new year comes all of that pressure to write the huge long list of New Years resolutions that you look at maybe 2 months of the year, work on for about 5, and then they go in a drawer, or the back of your journal, and let's be honest--we kind of forget about them. 

Instead of doing that like i've done EVERY year, I decided to something different this year!

First: I wanted to reflect on the bad AND the good of my past year. My last post talked a bit more about this, but mostly I wanted to recognize every thing that happened, with no regrets! 

None of that "Oh but I gained weight!" or "Geez, I shouldn't have dated him."

I am grateful for every. single. thing. that happened to me last year, and i'm going to focus on that!

Second: Instead of a NYE list of to do's and to don't's, I decided to focus on a word. 

One word to shape my year around. One word to create my perfect year. 

Love. 

Fall completely in love with myself..

Further my love in my life..

Understand and work on feeling more love for my Savior and Father in Heaven and make my love for them my most important...

Love my family for all that they are, want to be, and will be...

and who knows? Maybe i'll find a little love for myself. :)

Ahhhh, much more attainable. 

I love that idea. 

Oh, and here's some of my favorite people from 2012! ;)